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My husband and I recently celebrated our 25th anniversary, which got me thinking about how many different relationships can exist inside one marriage. First came the honeymoon stage: the excitement, the passion and the completely unrealistic promises about what we would do for each other every day for the rest of our lives. For example, I promised to tickle my husband's back every night as he fell asleep. That was a cute one. Then I had three children in four years and could barely keep my eyes open, let alone lift an arm to tickle anyone's back. These days he comes to bed hours after I have gone to sleep, so I think we can officially declare that promise fully broken. Then came the survival years: diapers, dinners, baths, books, bedtimes and children repeatedly emerging from their rooms because they needed water, another hug, or just someone to lay in bed with them until they fell asleep. After that, we moved into the logistics stage. Our conversations sounded less like a partnership and more like air traffic control: Who has soccer? Where is the game? Who is driving? Why are we traveling two hours to play a team when there has to be kids who play soccer in our own county? For years, we divided and conquered. We loved each other, respected each other and built a wonderful family, but our relationship often took a back seat to running our family. Then our youngest left for college following her two older sisters, and just like that, the house was quiet AF. There we were, sitting on opposite ends of the couch, each on our own device. We had never stopped loving each other, but somewhere along the way we had become excellent co-managers and less skilled at being a connected couple. THE SHIFT: FROM LOGISTICS BACK TO CONNECTIONThe empty nest does not automatically reconnect a relationship. It simply gives us the time and space to notice what may have been missing. For years, so many of our conversations began with “What do the kids need?” or “I need you to do X.” Now we have the opportunity to ask “What do you need? What do I need? What do we need?” or even “What might be fun for us now?” Once I began coaching - and started taking some of my own advice - we became more intentional about making time for each other. If I am being totally honest, a year later we are still working on it. The phone and computer (and that new Claude clip on microphone, LOL) continue to be unwelcome third parties. But, one thing we have done is start something we call our Bazoodee: one new activity each month that we both want to experience for the first time. “Bazoodee” is a Trinidadian expression for a crazy, dizzy kind of love. Fun fact, we learned this from our driver while heading to the airport to move our youngest daughter to college, and we adopted it at that moment for our new chapter! Our Bazoodees have included dual scalp massages, an outdoor sculpture garden, a pasta-making class, hidden-beach hikes, renting an Air BNB in another city for 3 weeks, perusing the holiday windows in NewYork (and of course throwing in the adorable photo op on Santa's lap!) None of these activities was particularly life-changing on its own. What mattered was having something to research together, anticipate together, experience together and laugh about afterward. For our 25th anniversary, we planned a trip to Santa Fe last minute because my husband used to sing the song from the Musical Rent to me when we were dating. We didn’t want to let the 25th anniversary go buy without stopping to acknowledge and celebrate it. But honestly it wasn’t the where that mattered at all. It was remembering who we were, appreciating who we have become and celebrating the life we have built together. Whether you are a brand-new empty nester or have been staring at the same person across a quiet kitchen for a few years, here are three things I want you to try this month. 1. HAVE A TEN MINUTE, NON-LOGISTICS CHECK INPut down the phones, close the computer and ask each other one question that has nothing to do with the children, the house or the to-do list. What has been taking up the most space in your head lately?What are you excited about right now? What have you missed about us? What would make this stage of life feel really good to you? You may be surprised by what you learn. You’re not the only one that has been changing during these parenting years. Having something new to plan and look forward to gives you something to talk about besides the kids, work, schedules and responsibilities. And experiencing something new together can create an entirely different kind of connection. 2. CREATE YOUR OWN BAZOODEEChoose one new thing to do together this month. It does not have to involve airfare, a fancy hotel or matching spa robes (although I fully support all three!!!) Try a new cuisine. Take a class. Walk somewhere you have never explored. See live music. Visit a museum. Cook something neither of you knows how to make (and maybe do a little wine pairing with the dinner!) The goal is not the activity itself. The goal is to bring curiosity, play and something new to talk about. 3. SAY THE THING OUT LOUDTell your partner one thing you appreciate about them and one reason you chose them in the first place. After decades together, it is easy to assume they already know. Say it anyway. The goal is not to recreate the couple you were before you had kids. Those people likely are long gone and had a lot more sleep back then. Instead, the opportunity is to get curious about the two people you are now and intentionally create the relationship you want for this next chapter. You spent years building a family together. Now you get to decide what you would like to build next. It’s actually an amazing gift if you open your mind to allow the reframe.
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